Before and After

 It is no secrete that I am awful at updating this blog!  But here we go. I have had an insane few years and now feel the strong prompting to write a book about what I have gone through and what I have learned. So When I feel impressed to I will share parts of that book here until I am finished writing. It will be titled Before and After. Here is the first chapter's rough draft. Let me know what you think! 

Prologue

I am going to make some claims and statements in this book that the “Before” me would have cringed at. Not because they are wrong or bad. But because they are bold, and I was shy. I would have worried endlessly about what you would think of me. Who was I to be that bold? I was shy. Would you think I am conceited and full of myself? Would you think I was delusional? Or crazy? 

But, the “After” me doesn’t worry about silly things anymore. I know who I am. I know what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. And I know what I say is simply true. I am not boastful. I am not crazy. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But, I am a Daughter of God. And he loves me. THAT is all that matters. So I don’t need to fear. 

I will say what he wants me to say and go where He wants me to go and do what He wants me to do. He has taken care of me so far, so my full trust is in HIM. 

Chapter one. 

Have you ever had an event in your life that was so huge so life-altering, you started viewing yourself differently? The “before” the event you, and the “after” you?

I have had a few, to put it mildly. 

I don’t know about you but I think it is pretty safe to say that life is super crazy hard. I know I have been hit with massive trials throughout my life. Quite honestly they seem to be plaguing my family. It has been just one blow after another. But the thing is, the more and more people I talk to I realize I am not alone in that feeling. 

I could launch into a long sob story about how, when I was seven my parents divorced. Or how when I was 9 I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had to wear a painful back brace for 23 hours a day for 5 years.

Or the time my second child ended up in the NICU for weeks unable to breathe and the doctor's offered no hope.

What about the time my sweet, strong, amazing, caring, husband who was diagnosed with PTSD from serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints eventually after a long battle with therapy and meds that never worked tried to take his one life, not once, but twice. Praise be to God that he survived.

Then that one time 4 years ago my spine, you know the thing that holds your torso up, officially gave out on me collapsed. Causing my heart and lungs to begin to be crushed by my ribcage and I had to have major spinal fusion surgery which took me 2 years to recover from, and as soon as I started to feel human again the whole world shut down due to a pandemic. 

At this same time, My husband had just quit his job where he was being severely mistreated. We were trying to open our own clinic when all of a sudden the year 2020 blew up in our faces. We were left with no income and a world in chaos.

Then in January 2021 months after we finally opened my husband's new clinic he fell extremely ill with the craziest mystery illness I had ever seen. How he almost died that year, just when he finally was doing so well with his mental health and wanted to just live! While I did everything in my power to try to hold our family together, run the new clinic by myself, take care of him, and in all my spare time, that I very clearly did not have, I had to figure out what was killing him, because it seemed that no one else could. 

But that is not the purpose of this book. The purpose of this book is to get you to realize one thing. God never left my side. And he won’t leave you either. 

I know what at least some of you are saying in your head right now. Which is what I said to myself almost daily. “Yes he sure did!”  “Look at me! I haven’t felt his spirit in months!” “I pray and pray and I feel no peace.” “I feel angry.” “I feel numb.” “I feel broken.”  

Did it feel like God had left me? Yes! Often! What an uncomfortable feeling! It felt so opposite of what I thought I should feel during some of the hardest years of my life. I felt totally abandoned and I hated feeling that. 

At first, I thought something must be wrong with me, I must have done something to make Him turn from me. But as soon as I would have that thought something deep in me would immediately reject that. I know my Father. No matter what I do He would never turn his back on me. He loves me. 

I remembered President Neilson’s teaching over the last few years. The first that came to mind was a talk he had given to the sisters in October 2018 Titled Sister's Participation in the gathering of Israel.  He said “You have special spiritual gifts and propensities. Tonight I urge you, with all the hope of my heart, to pray to understand your spiritual gifts - to cultivate, use, and expand them. Even more than you ever have. You will change the world as you do so.” That talk felt electric to my soul. 
Then it sparked the memory of another talk he had given a couple of years ago during the April 2020 conference titled Hear Him. “ When we seek to hear--truly hear--His Son, we will be guided to know what to do in any circumstance.”  “We also hear Him more clearly as we refine our ability to recognize the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. It has never been more imperative to know how the Spirit speaks to you than right now”.

I have to admit that at first, I was a little annoyed. Because I had taken all that to heart and worked really hard to learn to hear my Heavenly Father’s voice. To hear and follow each prompting. I had felt so close to Him, and now I felt ignored. 
I decided I hated that feeling and with knowing who my Father was that he would not leave me I figured I just had to relearn how to hear Him during times of extreme trials. 

I repeated daily to myself that my Heavenly Father loved me. I know how much I love my children. That there is never anything they could do that would change that. Sure I could be upset or disappointed in the choices they make but NEVER could I stop loving them. 

So why would my Heavenly Father, who has a perfect love, be fickle. He wouldn’t. He would love me regardless. And because His love is perfect there must be a reason I was having this trial and feeling so alone. There was a lesson I was being taught and it was up to me to choose to learn it. I could keep stumbling around on my own or relearn how to hear him during extreme trials. Learn to hear Him at a time when it felt that the world was only full of darkness and vile. 

Then, as I prayed more trying to break through what felt like a brick wall I started to realize he was speaking to me. It was just muted. Instead of the clear words in my mind and strong pushes that could not be mistaken like it used to be, it was tender mercies throughout my days.  Gently nudging me down the path He wanted me to follow. I almost didn’t notice them at all. It was a whisper when I took the time to slow down and breath. It was a peaceful feeling when everything else felt wrong. 

I tried to make a daily effort to pause and look at my day and try to see all the tender mercies so I wouldn’t feel so alone. These tender mercies soon turned to small miracles, which gave way to mountain-moving type miracles. He carried me through it all.  It was still incredibly hard. But soon I didn’t feel so alone. 

I like to think of Elder Rasband’s talk. The Things of my soul. He asked “What things do you ponder? What really matters to you? What are the things of your soul?” 

Those questions sure did pierce my soul. What was I spending my time thinking of? Did I ponder enough on everything God has given me? What really matters to me? After having so much taken away, I realized the only thing that mattered to me was my relationship with God, keeping my kids safe and happy, and healing my husband. 

I quickly realized that my life had just become a crazy trust exercise in My Heavenly Father’s ability to catch me when I fall.  He had taken off the training wheels and was teaching me that I could do this! I could do this with Him. I had to literally let go and let him take it. Live each day with a prayer to him to guide me where he wanted me to go and do what he wanted me to do and say what he wanted me to say. 
 So much easier said than done by the way.  I was trying so hard to control what felt like a downward spiral to the pit of despair. But in my trying to control the chaos it just became more chaotic. But as soon as I let it go and let Him work in my life unhindered by me trying to control everything, things started to change. 

The blessings were easier to see. Answers came more easily, I stopped stressing about every bill, every injustice. Because I know in the end, as long as I have God and my family I don’t care about temporal things. They are temporary and just a means to an end. And frankly, if God is in charge it doesn’t matter what I thought my life should be. Because God knows me and what he wants for my life will be so much more than I could ever dream of. So I let go. 

These are the last days. God needs us. He needs us strong. He needs us unwavering. But Faith like that doesn’t come cheap.  It is hard work. Instead of a nice slow warming up in the crockpot. It’s time for the pressure cooker. 
3rd Nephi chapter 24:2  says  “But who may abide the day of his coming, and who shall stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner’s fire, and like the fuller’s soap.”

This pressure cooker is not easy. But I am learning to find joy and strength I never knew in it. We have been blessed so much this past year which sounds insane to say after it’s also been the hardest! We could not have survived without the Lord. When you need help God sends angels. For me, he sent an army of them.