Before and After

 It is no secrete that I am awful at updating this blog!  But here we go. I have had an insane few years and now feel the strong prompting to write a book about what I have gone through and what I have learned. So When I feel impressed to I will share parts of that book here until I am finished writing. It will be titled Before and After. Here is the first chapter's rough draft. Let me know what you think! 

Prologue

I am going to make some claims and statements in this book that the “Before” me would have cringed at. Not because they are wrong or bad. But because they are bold, and I was shy. I would have worried endlessly about what you would think of me. Who was I to be that bold? I was shy. Would you think I am conceited and full of myself? Would you think I was delusional? Or crazy? 

But, the “After” me doesn’t worry about silly things anymore. I know who I am. I know what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. And I know what I say is simply true. I am not boastful. I am not crazy. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But, I am a Daughter of God. And he loves me. THAT is all that matters. So I don’t need to fear. 

I will say what he wants me to say and go where He wants me to go and do what He wants me to do. He has taken care of me so far, so my full trust is in HIM. 

Chapter one. 

Have you ever had an event in your life that was so huge so life-altering, you started viewing yourself differently? The “before” the event you, and the “after” you?

I have had a few, to put it mildly. 

I don’t know about you but I think it is pretty safe to say that life is super crazy hard. I know I have been hit with massive trials throughout my life. Quite honestly they seem to be plaguing my family. It has been just one blow after another. But the thing is, the more and more people I talk to I realize I am not alone in that feeling. 

I could launch into a long sob story about how, when I was seven my parents divorced. Or how when I was 9 I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had to wear a painful back brace for 23 hours a day for 5 years.

Or the time my second child ended up in the NICU for weeks unable to breathe and the doctor's offered no hope.

What about the time my sweet, strong, amazing, caring, husband who was diagnosed with PTSD from serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints eventually after a long battle with therapy and meds that never worked tried to take his one life, not once, but twice. Praise be to God that he survived.

Then that one time 4 years ago my spine, you know the thing that holds your torso up, officially gave out on me collapsed. Causing my heart and lungs to begin to be crushed by my ribcage and I had to have major spinal fusion surgery which took me 2 years to recover from, and as soon as I started to feel human again the whole world shut down due to a pandemic. 

At this same time, My husband had just quit his job where he was being severely mistreated. We were trying to open our own clinic when all of a sudden the year 2020 blew up in our faces. We were left with no income and a world in chaos.

Then in January 2021 months after we finally opened my husband's new clinic he fell extremely ill with the craziest mystery illness I had ever seen. How he almost died that year, just when he finally was doing so well with his mental health and wanted to just live! While I did everything in my power to try to hold our family together, run the new clinic by myself, take care of him, and in all my spare time, that I very clearly did not have, I had to figure out what was killing him, because it seemed that no one else could. 

But that is not the purpose of this book. The purpose of this book is to get you to realize one thing. God never left my side. And he won’t leave you either. 

I know what at least some of you are saying in your head right now. Which is what I said to myself almost daily. “Yes he sure did!”  “Look at me! I haven’t felt his spirit in months!” “I pray and pray and I feel no peace.” “I feel angry.” “I feel numb.” “I feel broken.”  

Did it feel like God had left me? Yes! Often! What an uncomfortable feeling! It felt so opposite of what I thought I should feel during some of the hardest years of my life. I felt totally abandoned and I hated feeling that. 

At first, I thought something must be wrong with me, I must have done something to make Him turn from me. But as soon as I would have that thought something deep in me would immediately reject that. I know my Father. No matter what I do He would never turn his back on me. He loves me. 

I remembered President Neilson’s teaching over the last few years. The first that came to mind was a talk he had given to the sisters in October 2018 Titled Sister's Participation in the gathering of Israel.  He said “You have special spiritual gifts and propensities. Tonight I urge you, with all the hope of my heart, to pray to understand your spiritual gifts - to cultivate, use, and expand them. Even more than you ever have. You will change the world as you do so.” That talk felt electric to my soul. 
Then it sparked the memory of another talk he had given a couple of years ago during the April 2020 conference titled Hear Him. “ When we seek to hear--truly hear--His Son, we will be guided to know what to do in any circumstance.”  “We also hear Him more clearly as we refine our ability to recognize the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. It has never been more imperative to know how the Spirit speaks to you than right now”.

I have to admit that at first, I was a little annoyed. Because I had taken all that to heart and worked really hard to learn to hear my Heavenly Father’s voice. To hear and follow each prompting. I had felt so close to Him, and now I felt ignored. 
I decided I hated that feeling and with knowing who my Father was that he would not leave me I figured I just had to relearn how to hear Him during times of extreme trials. 

I repeated daily to myself that my Heavenly Father loved me. I know how much I love my children. That there is never anything they could do that would change that. Sure I could be upset or disappointed in the choices they make but NEVER could I stop loving them. 

So why would my Heavenly Father, who has a perfect love, be fickle. He wouldn’t. He would love me regardless. And because His love is perfect there must be a reason I was having this trial and feeling so alone. There was a lesson I was being taught and it was up to me to choose to learn it. I could keep stumbling around on my own or relearn how to hear him during extreme trials. Learn to hear Him at a time when it felt that the world was only full of darkness and vile. 

Then, as I prayed more trying to break through what felt like a brick wall I started to realize he was speaking to me. It was just muted. Instead of the clear words in my mind and strong pushes that could not be mistaken like it used to be, it was tender mercies throughout my days.  Gently nudging me down the path He wanted me to follow. I almost didn’t notice them at all. It was a whisper when I took the time to slow down and breath. It was a peaceful feeling when everything else felt wrong. 

I tried to make a daily effort to pause and look at my day and try to see all the tender mercies so I wouldn’t feel so alone. These tender mercies soon turned to small miracles, which gave way to mountain-moving type miracles. He carried me through it all.  It was still incredibly hard. But soon I didn’t feel so alone. 

I like to think of Elder Rasband’s talk. The Things of my soul. He asked “What things do you ponder? What really matters to you? What are the things of your soul?” 

Those questions sure did pierce my soul. What was I spending my time thinking of? Did I ponder enough on everything God has given me? What really matters to me? After having so much taken away, I realized the only thing that mattered to me was my relationship with God, keeping my kids safe and happy, and healing my husband. 

I quickly realized that my life had just become a crazy trust exercise in My Heavenly Father’s ability to catch me when I fall.  He had taken off the training wheels and was teaching me that I could do this! I could do this with Him. I had to literally let go and let him take it. Live each day with a prayer to him to guide me where he wanted me to go and do what he wanted me to do and say what he wanted me to say. 
 So much easier said than done by the way.  I was trying so hard to control what felt like a downward spiral to the pit of despair. But in my trying to control the chaos it just became more chaotic. But as soon as I let it go and let Him work in my life unhindered by me trying to control everything, things started to change. 

The blessings were easier to see. Answers came more easily, I stopped stressing about every bill, every injustice. Because I know in the end, as long as I have God and my family I don’t care about temporal things. They are temporary and just a means to an end. And frankly, if God is in charge it doesn’t matter what I thought my life should be. Because God knows me and what he wants for my life will be so much more than I could ever dream of. So I let go. 

These are the last days. God needs us. He needs us strong. He needs us unwavering. But Faith like that doesn’t come cheap.  It is hard work. Instead of a nice slow warming up in the crockpot. It’s time for the pressure cooker. 
3rd Nephi chapter 24:2  says  “But who may abide the day of his coming, and who shall stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner’s fire, and like the fuller’s soap.”

This pressure cooker is not easy. But I am learning to find joy and strength I never knew in it. We have been blessed so much this past year which sounds insane to say after it’s also been the hardest! We could not have survived without the Lord. When you need help God sends angels. For me, he sent an army of them. 

The miracles in my life!

OK I am finally ready to write about what I have been dealing with in the back ground over here. ha ha ha ha Some of you may have heard my rantings over the past few months about insurance, doctors, etc! Well here is the whole story.

Last summer when it became clear that I needed surgery I went to my Family Doctor to get a referral.  With the insurance we had (state) there needed to be a referral.  Well she referred me to the Core institute, who in turn said my case was to severe and that only a few surgeons in the Arizona are actually qualified to do what needed to be done and they referred me to a surgeon in phoenix, Dr. Chutkan.  They assured me he was good at what he did, but I really didn't have many options as he was the only one that accepted my insurance.  I met with him in September. He reviewed my case and x-rays and proceeded to scare the crap outta me!  He said that my situation was worsening quickly and that surgery was a must and soon.  He asked that I get an MRI done quickly and then come back to schedule surgery within 2 weeks. He made it seem as though the longer I waited the worse everything would be and that we were racing against some clock.

While I was there I also told him that I really needed to have it done before January because my insurance would no longer be covering me by then.  And I didn't have the means to get other insurance as of yet. (we were planning on going with liberty health share, but they do not cover preexisting for the first year. I did not have a year to wait) He was aware and said that we for sure needed to do it before then anyways. 

As I was leaving I tried to set up my next apt to come in with my MRI,  and they refused to schedule me until I had MRI in hand. I was irritated cause I already had an apt to get it done that nest week and knew that if they would just schedule me I would have it! But I get it it's their job and they don't make office policies. So I left without scheduling another apt. The one that was supposed to go over surgery and set a date and all that.

The following week right after my MRI I called the surgeons office from the parking lot of simon med imaging. I told them I had my MRI and that the Dr wanted to get me in quick as possible (his words) cause I needed surgery soon!  The lady said that they were booked until dec. 21st!  I Told her about my case, the insurance lapsing in January and that the surgeon asked that I come back in 2 weeks and she still refused to set me up sooner than end of December.  I set the Appointment after trying to argue and plead with her, but at this point I was out of options as he was the only Surgeon both qualified and covered by my insurance.   I decided that I would call every week and see if they had any cancellations and try to get in sooner.

The following week I called the office 1 to see if they had a cancelation and 2 to figure out what they wanted me to do with the MRI.  Send it in?  Keep it til my apt?  No one ever told me!  They did not answer the phone. So I left a Voicemail. The first of many. It went unanswered.

The following week I called again left a voicemail and got no reply. My breathing was starting to become harder and my heart was doing funny things and lets not even get started on the pain I was in that continued to get worse.  I called weekly to tell them all this left voicemails and NO ONE called me back... like EVER.

I kept having what I called breathing spells.  I would randomly not be able to get enough oxygen. Usually followed by walking, trying to go up the stairs, picking up things on the floor, chasing a kid. you know normal things ha ha!

I kept calling into the office no one answered or returned my calls still! Finally I decided that I needed to go to the ER when this happens again cause they were getting scary!  30 min - an a few hours of gasping for air, feeling weak and dizzy having spasming lungs.  Not to mention the heart palpitations.  This was what the surgeon had warned me would happen if I waited to long! 

I was talking with my Grandma and she told me that I needed to go down to St. Joseph's ER since it was attached to Barrows spine and neurological institute. and she had heard amazing great things about a surgeon there that specialized in Scoliosis.  Well about a week or 2 before thanksgiving it happened again as I was trying to get the kids to school. So I headed down to the ER with my step dad. I am sooo grateful he was with me!  I was there from 9 in the morning while they ran test after test and finally admitted me into the hospital at 7pm that night.

They were able to say that my bad breathing was in fact being caused by my severe scoliosis I had 3 curves 45/93/45 degrees (neck, thoracic, and lumbar). That it was just to hard for my 1 lung, that wasn't totally crushed by my deformed ribcage,  to be able to expand enough, if I over exerted myself making me hyperventilate. (It feels more like my lungs spasming when I try to breath during these episodes.  They said that I needed to try and take it easy until I had surgery to correct the issue. 

Also big miracle was that Dr Kakarla the surgeon my grandma had told me about, that I really wanted to get his opinion on my case, just happened to be on call that day!  He looked over my case, ordered more xrays and scans, and sent an intern to inform me that if it were up to him, he would want to fuse my spine from t4 all the way down into Si joints (my pelvis).  I was shocked!  I expected a fusion but not that long.  But I had been researching this Dr and my current Surgeon and new that Dr. Kakarla was WAY more than qualified so I trusted his opinion.

The hospital told me they sent word to my surgeon that I was admitted into the hospital and why. I never heard from his office.  I got home that next night and still no word from them.  I called them the next day and still no one answered I left a voicemail and was frustrated that I had been in the hospital now and my so called Dr was no where to be seen or heard from.

 I decided to look at more reviews for this "doctor".  I was not surprised when I kept pulling up the same thing.  They never answer the phone, they never return calls. and this was coming from people who had already had surgery with him!  That was a scary thought. That if I went with him, after surgery  he still would not return calls. HECK NO!  This was too big of a deal to let him touch me at this point. It's my spine!

I had lost all faith in him and his team.  He had already abandoned me! It had already been months of me calling and getting no return calls back.  Months where my condition worsened and he did nothing. The only doctor covered by my insurance, abandoned me. I was terrified!  I now had to try an fight my insurance (an uphill battle) all on my own and win before January. It was now end of November. 

I called again and canceled my December appointment.  Well I tried, really I left a voicemail that no one checks so I wasn't even sure it got cancelled.

I called Dr Kakarla's office to figure out what I needed to do in order to see them instead. They were so amazing and helpful from day 1! They said we needed a referral from my primary care dr. and a pre-authorization from the insurance, and that my primary care Dr needed to file it.  They sent this all over to my PC.

This next step would take several weeks of me on the phone all day. If only I had known this going into it!

I called my PC Several times that nest 2 weeks trying to get them to submit the papers and they kept saying they never received anything. eventually I asked Dr Kakarla's office to call them and make sure they got the papers and they happily agreed and sympathized with my that this was ridiculous!  That same day the papers were filed I called my insurance company to make sure they got them and to check the status and how long it would take to process.

Now it was their turn to jerk me around.  They said they would not approve the request and that the only way they would is if I got my old Surgeon, mr. never answers the phone, to write a letter to them as to why he was not treating me any more. YEAH RIGHT!  The man hasn't answered a single phone call in months! How was I going to 1 get ahold of him and 2 get him to admit that he had dropped the ball big time. I told them this and their response was "Sorry That's all we can do"  Words I was going to start hearing from everyone for the next little while. 

I was so beyond stressed out. I had lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks due to stress. I wasn't sleeping, I had no appetite. I was a wreck physically and emotionally.  I don't even know how I was keeping it together! This was all also during halloween, thanksgiving, and Christmas!

So I decided that I had 2 options. 1, I could try and get private insurance that I could not afford, or 2, I could try and switch my state insurance plan. You see Dr. Kakarla took AZ state insurance, he just wasn't with Care First. He took Mercy Care. All run by the state system. Same thing different name on the card. REALLY!? Ok so I call my insurance company and ask if I can switch from Care First to Mercy Care. I tell them why. They say "we can't do anything about that, but, call Care First and tell them its an emergency and they should let you out of their care so we can place you with Mercy Care.... hopefully."

I called Care First. They refused to release me!  I cried... no sobbed. Told them about everything that had been happening and all that I was facing. that my lungs and heart were slowly being crushed and that all I wanted was to be able to have this surgery, so I could live, be a mommy, wife, and person again. and they said "Sorry there isn't anything we can do." I hung up just utterly shocked and hurt and scared. OK, one option gone. now it was private insurance or I was going to be left to die.

I started calling companies only to realize that not one of them could insure me because I was an individual and not going through an employer... WHAT?  Yes that is right thanks to freaking OBAMACARE the only insurance available to those of us that are not covered under an employer is ambetterhealth.  Guess who takes that insurance... Not anyone that I have found! So I called a friend of my mom's who worked in insurance to confirm this for sure and she did. I was out of luck.

I remember hanging up the phone and crumpling to a pile of brokenness on my living room floor as I sobbed and sobbed.

I had been trying for MONTHS to try and get anyone to help me. Someone to care. Someone to say yes, I can help you with that. But no. I was out of options and so so so lost.

It was at this point I think Brock had to leave for work.  He was upset and frustrated with what was happening and really hated having to leave me home sobbing. After he left, I started talking to my heavenly father. I don't know if I would call it a prayer. I had said plenty of those all day everyday during this ordeal.  This felt more like whining haha! 

I just started saying why Father?  why?  Why can't I get the help I need?! Why have you left me here to deal with this?!  I need you and I don't feel you here!!!! ..... what do I do now.....  I feel so alone.  why? Why?...on repeat

After a little bit my phone rang. It was Brock. I figured he was calling to check on me make sure I hadn't decided to run in front of a bus ha ha ha. So I answered mid sob. And found out that he was crying as well. I really did not want to hear anymore bad news. He never cries!  I was tempted to say NOPE!  Keep your bad news to yourself I can't handle anymore! Or just hang up LOL I was certainly at the end of my rope. Instead I took a big breath and decided it was my duty to be strong for him like he had been for me. And I said "what's happened? Are you ok?" 

Brock could hardly get out what he was trying to say so he just said "No, its good." then continued to cry. Finally he started to talk and told me that he had talked to his boss Justin, (that wonderful man) about everything that we had been dealing with. Justin then told Brock that he had gotten insurance a little while back for the employees and that we could sign up that day!  And it wasn't to crazy un affordable monthly and they had a relatively low max out of pocket compared to other companies I had been researching.

But the best news about this was that Dr. Kakarla was in network with this company! Miracles miracles! 

As soon as I hung up with Brock I started crying again and sunk to my knees.  But this time, in relief happiness, and gratitude. I prayed to my heavenly father to thank him for such a huge blessing right when I needed it most, and to apologize for being so weak before and doubting that I would get help from him. I know He knows me, and loves me.  He is my Father! Of course he would help me, and comfort me.  I was just to distraught to see it before.

But the miracles where not over yet!

I set up an appointment with Dr Kakarla as soon as our insurance info came in. But that whole time I was freaking out about being fused to my pelvis!  What was my life going to be like not being able to bend or twist except from my hips. AH!

I started to pray that I would be at peace with it all. That I would just be able to let go and accept the things I cannot change.  Oh I wanted that so bad.

I was both excited and nervous about my appointment because I would finally be moving forward. But nervous cause I just could not fathom what I was about to go through! They were going to go over the surgery and what to expect and all that and I was scared to hear it! 

A couple days before the appointment the office called me to remind me and also to request that I bring in new full spine x-rays just to make sure nothing had changed since the last set a couple months before. 

I told Brock (my expert x-ray taker) and he had me come down to his office after dinner to take them.  When there he said "You know what, I am going to give them a whole lot more than just a full spine x-ray!  They need to have every angle, bend, position possible.  That way there is no confusion about the surgery."  Bless this man of mine!  He proceeded to take 26 x-rays of my spine. from literally every angle possible! 

When we showed up to the Dr's office with the CD they were so impressed!  The came into the room and told us that because of the x-rays they were able to print a 3-d model of my spine. I SO wish I had taken a picture!  It was so cool to see a life size model of my crazy twisted spine. They are going to be using this to practice on until the surgery date!

Next he told us that also because of the extensive images that Brock took he no longer thought that I needed to be fused to my pelvis. The x-rays showed little to no deformities in my lumbar spine and that when I bend it straightens on its own. Meaning that after surgery it should straighten on its own because it was a compensation curve. He wanted to change the fusion to be only from t2 to l2 or l3 if he must when he is in there. I am still SHOCKED! This was the best news I have ever gotten! I mean it is still a super big fusion, but at least my pelvis wasn't going to be fused too!

I will still be losing some of my flexibility in my spine. Most of it will still be fused. But leaving a portion of my lumbar unfused will mean that I can still bend some and eventually after therapy and relearning my body, and the fusion fixating like it should I will be able to move somewhat like a normal person! I cannot be happier with this new little miracle just for me. Even though it seemed like an impossible task, I dared not ask for a different way. Yet Heavenly father knowing me so well, inspired those around me to give me the best possible outcome.

I now have a surgery date of February 12th at 5:30 am. I am scared, but excited! I know this is what I have to do and I know that my surgeon and his team are more than capable and that all I can do is prepare best I can and let my Heavenly Father handle the rest. What a comfort! 

So thanks for listening to my long story an rant. I will try to keep everyone up to date about things as they happen!






 

Well, looks like it is about time for another update.  I have decided to do a video since its a little less energy consuming.  I hope you enjoy!  And if you have questions don't forget you can write them in the comments.  I will do my best to answer. Sorry about the video quality!

I know this may seem silly. But I'm greatful for my scoliosis!

Let me explain.  Yes it sucks most of the time, but it has also given me so much!

Through dealing with adversity, pain, frustration, deformities and set backs I've actually learned alot! It has taught me that I can do hard things.

It's also (somehow) helped me build strong self esteem. It sounds crazy, but those years in jr high wearing my back brace all day all night.  And having a big rib hump and crooked gait just taught me that looks really don't matter. Be a good person.  Love everyone, and you will be loved. And if people don't like you, its not you is them. Move on.  Find your people, thier out there i promise!

Not everyone has to like you! It's ok! Yes it hurts, and it's no fun to be made fun of (trust me I know) but those people are usually the ones that need the extra love. So smile, be nice. (Kill them with kindness is actually not a bad idea) doing this might not change them.  But it will change you! It made me see that I love people! I genuinely love everyone I meet. Even if we aren't going to be BFFs I still love you.

I've also learned emathpy for others. We ALL have our own problems. And to each one of us it is the hardest thing we can face. No one has it all together. NO ONE! So again have love for everyone.  Cause we're all in this and it should be together. It's easier together.

It's taught me to stand up for myself.  I'm still learning this one.  But I'm a work in progress.

Pushing through my limitations has also shown me how strong I am. Maybe not always physically but mentally.  I've learned to block out pain that would send most people running for the hills.  And I'm proud of that! Does that mean that others that can't do this are less  than? Absolutely not! Does it mean that i view others pain as a joke? Heck no! I get it! We all have things we can deal with and things we cannot.  And that's ok.  I see your trials and think my trial is nothing in comparison.  Because it doesn't compare. No two people are alike so neither will be thier challenges. I couldn't handle what was dealt to my neighbor anymore than they could handle mine.  And that's beautiful and makes me all the more greatful for mine.

I'm rambling but I just wanted to get this out there. I'm thankful for my trials.  I'm greatful for all is taught me about myself.  I'm still learning to! It's the "gift" that keeps on giving!

Are you greatful for your trails? Or am i just crazy🙃

Brock and I have been married a little over ten years.  We have 4 pretty awesome and crazy kids. Our oldest is Rian. She is 9 years old.  She is followed by Maddox who is 8, Paxton who is 5 and Paisley who is 3. These tiny humans are the joy of my life and my biggest and most important responsibility i have on this earth and I could not be more grateful to my Heavenly father for blessing me with them.

I grew up in Mesa AZ and Brock grew up in Gilbert AZ.   We met at a bowling alley in Mesa by the temple about a year after his mission and my graduating high school. We were married 4 months after meeting and the long wait was torture for me!

The day I met my husband I had been praying and praying all weekend to figure out if I should consider marrying my then boyfriend. I’ve always had a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and was getting frustrated that I wasn’t getting that peaceful feeling I usually get when I pray for answers. I was pretty sure the guy I was dating would make a great husband, and wasn’t sure why every time we talked about marriage I felt uneasy. Maye it was nerves?

So finally I decided to make a weekend out of searching for my answer through prayer and fasting…. That’s when I met Brock.

When he came over to introduce himself a calm peaceful feeling came over me and I heard “this is who you should marry.”

Finally an answer to my prayers! Not what I was expecting, but who am I to question such a strong answer?  So the next day I broke things off with my boyfriend, and the next day asked Brock out on our first date. Now 10 years later and I am still so happy and grateful for my amazing husband. This really shows me that my Heavenly Father truly knows me.  He sent me Brock. The perfect man for me!

This experience was truly faith building to me. But that doesn’t me and that I don’t still struggle with doubt and fear in other areas of my life. We all go through periods in our life when its hard to have faith in certain situations.  And that’s ok!  All we need to do in times like these is seek out our Heavenly Father through prayer and scripture and keep on trying! 

In the last General Conference President Uchtdorf  gave a great talk at the woman’s broadcast titled 4^th floor Last door. I encourage you to go read or listen to it!  President Uchtdorf said

“Sometimes it’s not easy to develop faith in spiritual things while living in a physical world. But its worth the effort because the power of faith in our lives can be profound.  The scriptures teach us that through faith the worlds were framed, waters were parted, dead were raised, rivers and mountains were moved from their course.  Yet some might ask ‘if Faith is so powerful, why can’t I receive an answer to a heartfelt prayer’?”

I know I have asked that many times in my life. When I was 9 I was diagnosed with scoliosis. This is an abnormal curvature of the spine. My curve in my thoracic spine started out at 18 degrees and despite wearing a back brace for 23 hours a day for 5 years, physical therapies, and specialist after specialist it continued to worsen. By 12 years old the curve was at 68 degrees.

I remember one week when I was about 12 I knew my Heavenly Father had the power to heal me. I was in constant pain, have a not so attractive rib hump, and a few other health problems, and I was DONE with my trials.

Every night for a week I knelt by my bed and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I told him of my problems and my desire to be healed. And every morning when I woke up with the same aches and pains and physical deformities, I would think to myself that I must not have had enough faith.  As I got older I learned that I do have enough faith. But, Heavenly Father knows me best and this disease is something he needed me to experience. This is something meant to make me a better person than I could be without it.

In a talk given by Carol M Stevens she says “Our Savior will likewise speak to us in a voice we recognize when we come to Him- for He knows us. He meets us where we are.  And because of who He is and what He has done for us, He understands us. Because he has experienced our pain, he can give us the living water we seek” 

Knowing this has brought comfort to my soul! Through the years of living with this I’ve had to learn lots of things I’m not sure I would have. I have learned to be strong, even when I feel like crying.  Grateful even when I feel lost. Positive even when negativity surrounds me. Hopeful even if I have every reason to doubt.  Peaceful, even when things aren’t going as planned. I don’t give up. I keep going. No matter what!

Even today as my scoliosis which is not supposed to worsen much after childhood defied all odds this year. It went from 55 degrees last year to 86 degrees this year. The daily pain that comes with this has been hard to handle.  Also my organ functions are starting to fail. It’s a very scary situation to be in. But, I know my Heavenly Father is guiding me through this. He is blessing me left and right even though some days its harder to see it. In times of despair I like to remember President Uchtdorf’s talk.  Especially the part where he says:

“Faith is powerful, and often it does result in miracles. But no matter how much faith we have, there are two things faith cannot do.  For one it cannot violate another person’s agency. The second thing faith cannot do is force our will upon God. We cannot do is force God to comply with our desires- no matter how right we think we are or how sincerely we pray…no the purpose of faith is not to change God’s will but to empower us to act on Gods will. Faith is trust- Trust that God sees what we cannot and that he knows what we do not.”

I know this to be true. It has been proven to me time and time again!  There is a time for God to give us miracles and a time for us to trust in His plan. 

When my second child Maddox was born he was a big beautiful 7 pounds 10 oz baby boy. Doctors soon noticed he was not breathing. He was rushed to the NICU and hooked up to breathing tubes, feeding tubs, IV’s, you name it he had a tube for it. The Doctors were baffled. He was a big full term baby, but despite their efforts his lungs refused to work. He was in the NICU for 2 whole agonizing weeks.

Finally we called for a family wide fast that fast Sunday. That evening we went to the hospital and Maddox received what felt like the 50^th priesthood blessing in his short life. The next morning when Brock and I went to the hospital to see our baby boy the tubes had all been removed!  The nurse handed me my son as the doctor explained that throughout the night his numbers started improving and his lungs started to function, and as of this morning there is nothing wrong with him at all! They kept telling me that this was a miracle that there were no signs of anything ever wrong with him at all and he could go home the next day!

I know God is a God of miracles. And I also know that he knows far more than I do. He has a unique plan for me. It takes faith to trust in his plan.  It takes daily prayers, scripture study, and reflection to build your faith.  It also takes overcoming trials and hardships to build faith… If you let it.

Our Heavenly Father has a plan for you. He knows you and loves you. Just as President Uchtdorf said

“God is real. He lives. He loves you. He understands you. He knows the silent pleadings of your heart. He has not abandoned you. He will not forsake you. God rewards those who earnestly seek Him, but that reward is not usually behind the first door. So, we need to keep knocking. Don’t give up. Seek God with all your heart.  Exercise faith, walk in righteousness.  I promise that if you will do this you will receive answers you seek. You will find faith.”

Now I know in today’s world we are constantly bombarded with hatred, sin and oppression.  Especially recently those of faith are being mocked and ridiculed. This is causing many to question their testimonies or stay quiet about their beliefs out of fear of what others might say or think. But I say isn’t this the time to seek God in earnest? Build up your testimony and stand as a light in this dark world.

 I would like to address the sisters for a bit.  We all know attacks against motherhood and family happening. The shame, guilt, and crazy strain we are all put under. But this is not what we need to feel. Motherhood is a sacred calling. We are given the responsibility of raising the next generation who will usher in the second coming of our Savior. The family unit is the most essential piece to Heavenly fathers plan and it is the mother that is the heart of each family.

President Russel M Nelson years ago said:

“Attacks against the church and its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the Doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation”

I feel this can only be done if we are constantly seeking out God. Seeking His help and guidance in raising our families and making sure our will’s are aligned with His. These last days will be tough. MORE than tough. And we need to raise a generation of children that will be string, seek od out in all things and not falter as the world would have them do.

We all know that doing this daily sometimes feels like an impossible task. There are so many man distractions I the world. But, Something President Uchtdorf said helps me to know that I have it in me to fight for what I know to be true.

He said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are eternal beings without beginning and without end. We have always existed. We are the literal spirit children of divine immortal and omnipotent parents! We come from the Heavenly courts of the Lord our God. We are of the royal house Elohim, the most high God. We walked with him in our pre-mortal life we heard him speak, witnessed his majesty, learned his ways.  You and I participated in a grand council where our beloved Father presented us with his plan for us- That would not otherwise be possible.”

This means that all of us here on this earth chose to be here. Everyone! We are his children and he wants us to seek Him. Please, know that you are loved and he is always there waiting for you… Seek Him. 

I say these things in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  

Brock and I have been married a little over ten years.  We have 4 pretty awesome and crazy kids. Our oldest is Rian. She is 9 years old.  She is followed by Maddox who is 8, Paxton who is 5 and Paisley who is 3. These tiny humans are the joy of my life and my biggest and most important responsibility on this earth and I could not be more grateful to my Heavenly father for blessing me with them.

I grew up in Mesa AZ and Brock grew up in Gilbert AZ.   We met at a bowling alley in Mesa by the temple about a year after his mission and my graduating high school. We were married 4 months after meeting and the long wait was torture for me!

The day I met my husband I had been praying and praying all weekend to figure out if I should consider marrying my then boyfriend. I’ve always had a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and was getting frustrated that I wasn’t getting that peaceful feeling I usually get when I pray for answers. I was pretty sure the guy I was dating would make a great husband, and wasn’t sure why every time we talked about marriage I felt uneasy. Maye it was nerves?

So finally I decided to make a weekend out of searching for my answer through prayer and fasting…. That’s when I met Brock.

When he came over to introduce himself a calm peaceful feeling came over me and I heard “this is who you should marry.”

Finally an answer to my prayers! Not what I was expecting, but who am I to question such a strong answer?  So the next day I broke things off with my boyfriend, and the next day asked Brock out on our first date. Now 10 years later and I am still so happy and grateful for my amazing husband. This really shows me that my Heavenly Father truly knows me.  He sent me Brock. The perfect man for me!

This experience was truly faith building to me. But that doesn’t me and that I don’t still struggle with doubt and fear in other areas of my life. We all go through periods in our life when its hard to have faith in certain situations.  And that’s ok!  All we need to do in times like these is seek out our Heavenly Father through prayer and scripture and keep on trying! 

In the last General Conference President Uchtdorf  gave a great talk at the woman’s broadcast titled 4^th floor Last door. I encourage you to go read or listen to it!  President Uchtdorf said

“Sometimes it’s not easy to develop faith in spiritual things while living in a physical world. But its worth the effort because the power of faith in our lives can be profound.  The scriptures teach us that through faith the worlds were framed, waters were parted, dead were raised, rivers and mountains were moved from their course.  Yet some might ask ‘if Faith is so powerful, why can’t I receive an answer to a heartfelt prayer’?”

I know I have asked that many times in my life. When I was 9 I was diagnosed with scoliosis. This is an abnormal curvature of the spine. My curve in my thoracic spine started out at 18 degrees and despite wearing a back brace for 23 hours a day for 5 years, physical therapies, and specialist after specialist it continued to worsen. By 12 years old the curve was at 68 degrees.

I remember one week when I was about 12 I knew my Heavenly Father had the power to heal me. I was in constant pain, have a not so attractive rib hump, and a few other health problems, and I was DONE with my trials.

Every night for a week I knelt by my bed and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I told him of my problems and my desire to be healed. And every morning when I woke up with the same aches and pains and physical deformities, I would think to myself that I must not have had enough faith.  As I got older I learned that I do have enough faith. But, Heavenly Father knows me best and this disease is something he needed me to experience. This is something meant to make me a better person than I could be without it.

In a talk given by Carol M Stevens she says “Our Savior will likewise speak to us in a voice we recognize when we come to Him- for He knows us. He meets us where we are.  And because of who He is and what He has done for us, He understands us. Because he has experienced our pain, he can give us the living water we seek” 

Knowing this has brought comfort to my soul! Through the years of living with this I’ve had to learn lots of things I’m not sure I would have. I have learned to be strong, even when I feel like crying.  Grateful even when I feel lost. Positive even when negativity surrounds me. Hopeful even if I have every reason to doubt.  Peaceful, even when things aren’t going as planned. I don’t give up. I keep going. No matter what!

Even today as my scoliosis which is not supposed to worsen much after childhood defied all odds this year. It went from 55 degrees last year to 86 degrees this year. The daily pain that comes with this has been hard to handle.  Also my organ functions are starting to fail. It’s a very scary situation to be in. But, I know my Heavenly Father is guiding me through this. He is blessing me left and right even though some days its harder to see it. In times of despair I like to remember President Uchtdorf’s talk.  Especially the part where he says:

“Faith is powerful, and often it does result in miracles. But no matter how much faith we have, there are two things faith cannot do.  For one it cannot violate another person’s agency. The second thing faith cannot do is force our will upon God. We cannot do is force God to comply with our desires- no matter how right we think we are or how sincerely we pray…no the purpose of faith is not to change God’s will but to empower us to act on Gods will. Faith is trust- Trust that God sees what we cannot and that he knows what we do not.”

I know this to be true. It has been proven to me time and time again!  There is a time for God to give us miracles and a time for us to trust in His plan. 

When my second child Maddox was born he was a big beautiful 7 pounds 10 oz baby boy. Doctors soon noticed he was not breathing. He was rushed to the NICU and hooked up to breathing tubes, feeding tubs, IV’s, you name it he had a tube for it. The Doctors were baffled. He was a big full term baby, but despite their efforts his lungs refused to work. He was in the NICU for 2 whole agonizing weeks.

Finally we called for a family wide fast that fast Sunday. That evening we went to the hospital and Maddox received what felt like the 50^th priesthood blessing in his short life. The next morning when Brock and I went to the hospital to see our baby boy the tubes had all been removed!  The nurse handed me my son as the doctor explained that throughout the night his numbers started improving and his lungs started to function, and as of this morning there is nothing wrong with him at all! They kept telling me that this was a miracle that there were no signs of anything ever wrong with him at all and he could go home the next day!

I know God is a God of miracles. And I also know that he knows far more than I do. He has a unique plan for me. It takes faith to trust in his plan.  It takes daily prayers, scripture study, and reflection to build your faith.  It also takes overcoming trials and hardships to build faith… If you let it.

Our Heavenly Father has a plan for you. He knows you and loves you. Just as President Uchtdorf said

“God is real. He lives. He loves you. He understands you. He knows the silent pleadings of your heart. He has not abandoned you. He will not forsake you. God rewards those who earnestly seek Him, but that reward is not usually behind the first door. So, we need to keep knocking. Don’t give up. Seek God with all your heart.  Exercise faith, walk in righteousness.  I promise that if you will do this you will receive answers you seek. You will find faith.”

Now I know in today’s world we are constantly bombarded with hatred, sin and oppression.  Especially recently those of faith are being mocked and ridiculed. This is causing many to question their testimonies or stay quiet about their beliefs out of fear of what others might say or think. But I say isn’t this the time to seek God in earnest? Build up your testimony and stand as a light in this dark world.

 I would like to address the sisters for a bit.  We all know attacks against motherhood and family happening. The shame, guilt, and crazy strain we are all put under. But this is not what we need to feel. Motherhood is a sacred calling. We are given the responsibility of raising the next generation who will usher in the second coming of our Savior. The family unit is the most essential piece to Heavenly fathers plan and it is the mother that is the heart of each family.

President Russel M Nelson years ago said:

“Attacks against the church and its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the Doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation”

I feel this can only be done if we are constantly seeking out God. Seeking His help and guidance in raising our families and making sure our will’s are aligned with His. These last days will be tough. MORE than tough. And we need to raise a generation of children that will be string, seek od out in all things and not falter as the world would have them do.

We all know that doing this daily sometimes feels like an impossible task. There are so many man distractions I the world. But, Something President Uchtdorf said helps me to know that I have it in me to fight for what I know to be true.

He said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are eternal beings without beginning and without end. We have always existed. We are the literal spirit children of divine immortal and omnipotent parents! We come from the Heavenly courts of the Lord our God. We are of the royal house Elohim, the most high God. We walked with him in our pre-mortal life we heard him speak, witnessed his majesty, learned his ways.  You and I participated in a grand council where our beloved Father presented us with his plan for us- That would not otherwise be possible.”

This means that all of us here on this earth chose to be here. Everyone! We are his children and he wants us to seek Him. Please, know that you are loved and he is always there waiting for you… Seek Him. 

I say these things in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  

Hello all!  I know I have been MIA for the past few years.  But with my current health crisis I need an outlet!  

As many of you have heard I have been going through some crazy stuff!  I have Scoliosis, this is a disease that causes a curvature of the spine. mine is shaped like an "S". This condition gets over looked so often because no one really talks about it. Here is my last years xrays. This years were not digital so I don't have a great jpeg to share. SO its much worse now.  

You probably know the weird kid in your class growing up with the back brace that everyone made fun of. Well I was that girl. I was diagnosed at 9 with a 18 degree thoracic curve, braced at 10, (wore that brace 23 hrs a day for 5 years) and doctors tried to scare us into fusing my spine when I was 12 when I hit 68 degrees.  I was able to get it down to 55 with chiropractic, exercise, yoga, massage therapy, and PT.  I have been dealing with this disorder for a very long time.  But this last year my curve that has held at 55 degrees since I was in my late teens, decided to increase dramatically just to add a little fun to my life. It jumped up to 83 degrees and the added pressure is literally causing major degeneration of the vertebrae.  And lots and lots of PAIN!   

I need this to be a place to vent my frustrations, share my triumphs, and gain some support! I was told my curve would not progress by more than a few degrees as an adult.  And my doctors are still at a loss for why now and why so fast.  Its terrifying and extremely painful.  I have a very very long road ahead of me to try to avoid a fusion surgery that has a very high failure rate. something like 80%.  But that is the only form of  treatment insurance wants to pay for. Something that will only cripple me further!  

I am so frustrated with the way insurance works.  So because of this and the fact that I have to treat it now as fast as possible I have to put about 10k on a credit card and a medical loan to pay for the travel and first part of my treatment.  

This first step is a 2 week treatment boot camp in NewYork called ScoliSmart.  You should go check them out.  Its pretty amazing what they do!  Here they will make custom equipment for me to bring home.  This will get my spine more flexible, help with the pain, and hopefully straighten my curve out some so that again less pain and stress on the spine.  

Also It could put me in the range to be able to do a new ish surgery called Vertebral body tethering. This surgery will help to straighten my spine as much as humanly possible while allowing for me to remain flexible. Its also way less recovery time and has a HUGE success rate in terms of keeping the spine straight and reduction in pain. I want it so bad!  But again this is not covered my insurance and again I have to travel to the only doc in the US that will do it on adults.  He is in New York as well.   Maybe I should just move there ha ha ha! 

Anyways, in the mean time I have been told to stay as active as possible and to continue to do my workouts.  So you will still see me running around town doing things. I try to use my few hours of energy for fun things like swimming with the kids or walks with Brock or essential things like grocery shopping ha ha.  

You will also see me smiling and being happy no matter what because that is who I am!  I can't help it.  SO many people don't believe the chronic pain I am dealing with because I refuse to let it ruin my life! I have been in chronic pain since I was 9.  I know the drill. Yes it is way more intense.  And some days are worse than others.  But I refuse to stop living my life. 

So ya, you may see pics of me walking a trail in Sedona, but you wont see the pic of Brock practically carrying me to the car on the way back.  

You will see me at the park with my kids, grocery shopping, going to the gym, riding bikes to school, and a million other things. But you don't see me laying in bed the rest of the day or two days.  Or Brock carrying me up the stairs to our bedroom cause my muscles are going so crazy and my nerves are so inflamed that I can't lift my head let alone walk.  

It may seem silly to keep trying to be active when the pay off seems so crazy.  But again, THIS IS ME!  I love love love playing with my kids, being a mom, a wife, an active person and no disease gets to tell me how to live....  Also my Drs. assure me that this is the best thing I could do for myself.  The second I give up is the second I end up 100% crippled.  NO THANK YOU!  I will do everything in my power to remain active and enjoying life.  Including going into debt for treatments that will actually work!

Yes my disease is making that extremely hard right now but, I do what I gotta do!  So please, my biggest fear is people seeing me out and about and then seeing my Facebook and blog posts and thinking I'm a faker.  I am not.  This is real. 

Thanks for reading! I hope I don't sound like a crazy person!  Also If you would like to help us out with our medical expenses we set up a "You Caring" fundraising account.  This site does not take a profit so all you donate goes to the cause! I have years of treatments ahead of me and non of it is covered my insurance.  So every little bit helps!  Share my story and donate if you can thanks so much.  

Date Nights and Boredom Busters!

So I guess yet again it has been a long time since I updated the blog.  Luckily I am now on bed rest so I have plenty of time to update this thing!  I think I am going to make it a weekly goal to post something every week even if it is short.  I know no one really reads this but, it's a good way to journal our family activities.

So first for the fast update on our family.  Rian is now 6 and almost done with kindergarten!  I can't believe my little girl is getting so big!    Maddox is now 5 and can't wait to start kindergarten this august.  He loves doing everything Rian does, and feels very left out when she gets to do new things, like school, and he does not.  So I can't wait for him to figure out school is not as fun as it looks!  Just kidding I know he will love it.  Paxton is 2 now!  He talks so much and is such a smart little boy.  He was trying to potty train himself, because he sees Maddox doing it.  Once I got pregnant that slowed him down.  Now he has to remind me daily that he is my baby.   Brock has had his own practice up and running now for almost seven months!  It is going great and he loves what he does.  Here is a quick link to his site in case your curious at what he does. www.johansenwellness.com He really is an amazing doctor and I can't be more proud of him.  I am almost 35 weeks pregnant with our 4th and final baby!  Her name will be Paisley Grace.  I am so excited that it is a girl.  It just makes things so perfect with 2 boys and 2 girls!  I also am in love with her name.  Paisley I have always loved, and Grace is after my great grandma grace.  She was an amazing woman and I love and miss her very much.  She was so full of spunk, I hope Paisley can be like her.

Now on to the title of my post!  Since I have been put on bed rest for the past month and a half, and still have a month and one week left, I have been extremely bored.  Not only am I bored but the kids are bored too!  I have also been feeling very un-connected with the hubby.  Not because he is not around or helping me out.  We do watch a movie or show or two nearly everyday.  But I think it is because we have not been able to have our regular dates!  Watching movies while fun, is not fun EVERY day.

Then it got me thinking about after I do have the baby and can go out again.  How often do we do the same date of dinner and a movie, or just dinner?  Too often mainly because we simply are too tired to come up with creative ideas.

  I also then thought of the kids and how bored they are.  I am so tired of hearing "Mom! I'm sooo bored!"  Normally I take the kids out of the house nearly every day, and do something fun.  trip to the dollar store, park, chick fil a, friends houses, pools etc.  Now that I can't they get bored fast.  I have had lost of help and support from the ladies in my ward taking the kids a couple times a week to play.  That is a big help.  But what about the rest of the time?  I need to come up with something fast!

So I decided to do some research on these two things.  I keep coming across these, and I LOVE them!

How brilliant is this!  Then I thought I need things to fill them with... This task seemed a little, ok a ton, overwhelming.  So I decided to search the internet and find ideas and write down some of my favorites, tweak some to fit us, and then eventually with the creative juices flowing came up with a few of my own!  

I cannot wait to try these out.  I liked the idea of color coding the date jar.  One color for at home dates one color for inexpensive dates, and one color for more expensive ones.  I might try to incorporate this idea into the kids boredom jar as well.  

Follow these links to find my ideas that you can print!  

Date Night Jar

Kids Boredom Jar

Now all I need o do is make the jars!  

Too Long

It has been so long since I updated this thing!  Sorry people!!  Life has been a little more than busy I guess.  So many things have changed.  Were do I start?

First I guess I will say that I love the new area we moved to last December.  The ward is wonderful and full of amazing people.  I think the best part is that for the most part they are all young with kids like us!  It has been so long since we have been in a ward that is full of kids and younger parents.

Next is Brock finally GRADUATED!!!!  Yay!  He has set up his own practice... in a friends office.  They share staff and eventually overhead and everything so its a great deal.  Dr. Hopkins (the friend)  has been in practice for 10 years, so the office is well established, and runs great.  It is also beautiful.  Visit his website to see pics and get a better idea of what it is he does!  www.johansenwellness.com
Because of what he does in his practice and how they have it set up he can help anyone around the world so that is wonderful.  Dr. Hopkins even has patients in Dubai.  Can't wait till  Dr. Brock can say fun things like that.  Right now it is Utah, Arizona, and Texas.  Which is great for a start ;)

More good news!  Rian has started kindergarten.  I know I cannot believe it either!!!  I have a child in elementary school... when did she get so old.  She will be turning 6 in just a few months.  AHHH!  She is so funny and full of attitude.  She says she loves school but refuses to tell me anything that goes on while she is there.  If I bug her about it she makes up stories about what she did.  last week she told me she went on a purple school bus to a park by the zoo and ate lunch with another class.  I of course at first was a bit concerned that she left campus without anyone telling me.  Then when she said it was a purple bus she smirked and I realized that she was just being a stinker!    Silly girl.  Oh she also has a diet in church this week.  She is very excited for that as well.  She gets to sing the second verse in "Jesus Once Was a Little Child".

Maddox is growing up so fast as well.  Being the oldest at home every day he is learning just what it means to be a big brother.  Some days he is helpful... Some days not so much ha ha.  I know he is a little jealous about Rian getting to go to school.  He wants to go so bad.  So I am trying to see if I can't figure out a way to afford to put him in karate lessons.  He loves karate and some friend have said that getting their sons in karate it helped with learning discipline and respect.  I hope so! ha ha ha Now only if I can afford it!  but he does love helping with chores if you ask a few times.  He is really good at playing with Pax.

Paxton is finally in nursery!  Hallelujah!  The kid is a handful.  Adorable but crazy LOL.  He is so full of energy its nuts.  He is also hilarious.  He says NO to everything!  Unless you ask him if he wants food, then it's Ya, in a deep voice.  Pax is obsessed with cars.  If he sees one he goes nuts.  When I leave the house I cannot leave unless I have toy cars and food or there will be a screaming Paxton.  He is starting to like to cuddle which I soak up like crazy.  Gosh I love that kid!

Now for me.  I am still in school :(  Never getting out ha ha!  I also work full time  40 hours a week, for one of my parents weight loss companies.   I get to work from home so that is wonderful.  I am still doing hair as well.  I was also diagnosed with Hatimotos this year.  This is when your immune system attacks your thyroid and it stops to function.  This really sucks.  Many symptoms come from this.  Mine included extreme fatigue, weight gain, insomnia, and fibromyalsia.  Luckily we finally got my diagnosis and brock has been helping be get better.  I am feeling loads better and have lost 12 lbs.  I have been working on that 12 lbs for almost 2 years!  So glad its gone... just in time for baby number 4!  Yes we are trying for number four!!!!! FINALLY ha ha.  I will let ya'll know when that happens.

I think that is all the updates for now ha ha!

These are from Brock's Graduation...

 Pax was at a sitters so that way we could actually watch the ceremony.

 Her sign says "First day of school...Wants to be an artist"

 This is a pic that my sister Brittany took about 

a year ago but I love it!  Maddox is just so beautiful!!

Ha ha this is the most recent pic I have of Paxton.  Sad I know!  

This was part of a gift for Brock for fathers day.  

He was being such a turd this was the only way I could get him to hold kinda still.